


beginner's guide to brain cell loss

by isolov



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Fluff and Crack, Gen, M/M, as they get added, idek what to tag this, it's another chatfic y'all, more charas and ships to be tagged, no beta we die like men, this is just utter chaos tbh
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-12-11
Updated: 2020-06-06
Packaged: 2021-02-25 05:27:25
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 2,911
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21750769
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/isolov/pseuds/isolov
Summary: it's another one of those damned chatfics, now with an astonishing lack of brain cells!
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Kozume Kenma, Bokuto Koutarou/Kuroo Tetsurou, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru, Sawamura Daichi/Sugawara Koushi, Tsukishima Kei/Yamaguchi Tadashi
Comments: 10
Kudos: 106





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> key:  
> catboykuroo = kuroo  
> oiks = oikawa  
> fuckakuchi = futakuchi  
> thighchi / dadchi = daichi  
> birdbrain / birdboybo = bokuto  
> terrorshima = terushima  
> ushiwaka = ushijima  
> snek = daishou

_ [ oiks added catboykuroo, thighchi, birdbrain, terrorshima, ushiwaka, fuckakuchi and terrorshima to Cool Captains ™ ] _

snek: i have several questions already

thighchi: you and me both

snek: why the fuck does kuroo’s name have catboy in it

thighchi: some questions are better left unanswered

catboykuroo: well, actually,

snek: oh i didnt actually want to know

birdbrain: let the man speak

oiks: yeah i wanna hear this

catboykuroo: 1. The aesthetic

thighchi: the aesthetic.

snek: wow real original howd u think of that one

catboykuroo: fuck you too

catboykuroo: anyways. 2. I have cat ear headbands

terroshima: bro fr??? lemme have some

fuckakuchi: sound logic tbh

birdbrain: ngl that’s pretty cute

ushiwaka: makes sense to me, also where can i find some of these headbands

catboykuroo: thanks broskis, n you can find them everywhere tbh

oiks: o i have some! they’re v cute

thighchi: i don’t. know how to respond to any of this

snek: my braincells are dying just looking at this

ushiwaka: oh, you should get that checked out, i don’t think that’s healthy

catboykuroo: y’all are just mad bc you don’t got any

catboykuroo: and daichi you can’t even lie and say that you wouldn’t wanna see suga-chan in a cat headband

thighchi: ….

thighchi: not the point

catboykuroo: exactly

thighchi: i just saw my name and can someone please change it

_ [ oiks changed thighchi’s name to dadchi ] _

dadchi: i’m alright with this

birdbrain: wait if ur the dad… where’s the mom :o???

birdbrain: or mom adjacent

oiks: suga-chan isn’t in here yet

oiks: he will be soon tho ;)

dadchi: can you not

snek: they don’t know the meaning of no

birdbrain: hell yeah we don’t

birdbrain: OH

birdbrain: tetsu

catboykuroo: yeah

birdbrain: so like catboys are cute in animes in stuff right

catboykuroo: generally yes

birdbrain: so are there any like…. bird boys

dadchi: what kind of conversation is this

oiks: 100 yen they’re talking about it irl too

terrorshima: yeah there’s gotta be bird boys, like angels n stuff are in animes so that’s basically the same thing

snek: not really but. i’m sure there’s bird people in animes

fuckakuchi: y’all watch bnha

birdbrain: OH LIKE. HAWKS. He ain’t in the anime but

birdbrain: ok so can i be a bird boy then

_ [ oiks changed bridbrain’s name to birdboybo ] _

birdboybo: tysm!!!

catboykuroo: bro… Bro We Are Matching….

birdboybo:  Im Ur Best Friend. I Love You. ... Bro, We Are Match ing Now . . No Dont Stop Bro .. Bro …

snek: why are you two like this

terrorshima: gay

oiks: I fucking hope so, theyre dating

ushiwaka: oh, congrats you two

birdboybo: thanks ^^

catboykuroo: teru don't act like you’re not gay

catboykuroo: also ty ushi, even tho we’ve been dating since training camp

dadchi: idek what’s happening in here anymore

dadchi: how did the convo change This Much

senk: like u said, some questions are better left unanswered

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chatfics are wildly funny to me so hopefully I captured some of that! might add more chapters later on, but idk how many chapters I'll write, so lmk if y'all wanna see more!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> karasuno time :smirk:

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> key:  
> dadchi = daichi  
> mr. refreshing = suga  
> rollinthunder = noya  
> tanACK = tanaka  
> gucci = yamaguchi  
> sunshine = hintata  
> thatasshole / tsukki = tsukishima  
> kags = kageyama  
> jesus? = asahi  
> emoshita = ennoshita

_ [ dadchi added tanACK, mr. refreshing, rollinthunder, gucci, kags, sunshine, thatasshole, jesus?, and emoshita to a group chat i’ll inevitably regret making ] _

mr. refreshing: wow rude

jesus?: i think he just knows what’s about to happen

dadchi: i do

thatasshole: could tanaka-san not think of a better username

tanACK: no bc this perfectly encompasses my mood

rollinthunder: wow a big word

tanACK: fuck you dude

rollinthunder: you first bro ;)

thatasshole: i just threw up in my mouth

rollinthunder: you canNOT act like you havent wanted to kiss yams or smth

thatasshole: i haven’t

gucci: what :(??? what was last night then

thatasshole: you weren’t supposed to see this, but also whose side are you on

gucci: the side of love

tanACK: oh? What’s this  ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)?

rollinthunder: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)?

jesus?: we shouldn’t probe into their relationship…

emoshita: god what did i walk into

dadchi: don’t ask

tanACK: suga did you know

mr. refreshing: i won’t say but i AM the love counselor of the team

sunshine: have you given advice to anyone b4 :o???

mr. refreshing: myself and daichi, bc he was oblivious until i literally told him

sunshine: REALLY?

jesus?: suga has been flirting with daichi since 1st year and they only started dating when suga asked him outright

dadchi: not one of my finer moments

mr. refreshing: you tell a guy how hot he is and how great his thighs are for 3 years and suddenly he forgets how to act

dadchi: leave me alone???

emoshita: hinata can i ask why you were so surprised

sunshine: i Never noticed

thatasshole: figures

thatasshole: also can someone change my name i have an image to maintain

_ [ gucci changed thatasshole’s name to tsukki ] _

tsukki: you’re literally the only person i’ll allow to change my name to that

gucci: ty, i know

rollinthunder: dattiinnngggg

rollinthunder: O ALSO, we missing some folks

tanACK: KIYOKO-SAAAAAANNNN, YACHI-CHANNNNNN

emoshita: kinoshita and narita broke their phones doing some stupid prank or smth

emoshita: can’t speak for kiyoko-san and yachi-chan

jesus?: kiyoko-san’s busy studying for college entrance exams so she’s taking a social media break

sunshine: yachi broke her old phone so she’s gotta get a new one

rollinthunder: Ah

tanACK: anyone gonna comment on how kageyama’s ain’t talking

kags: im here, just playing volleyball

tsukki: wow, big surprise

kags: whats that supposed to mean

tsukki: nothing, nothing

sunshine: you wanna pick a fight with him >:(????????

tsukki: why what are you gonna do about it short stack

dadchi: why did i hear stomping

gucci: hinata’s running down the hall after tsukki, i’m trying to be the peacemaker but

sunshine: trgdfsT$#WGRFSEDhtgrdf*&^%szGFD

emoshita: is he dead

tsukki: he’s been taken care off

jesus?: oh no

dadchi: tsukishima What Did You Do

emoshita: uh oh

mr. refreshing: daichi stomped out of class tgrefgtrfss

rollinthunder: can we get some f’s in the chat for tsukki and hinata

tanACK: f

emoshita: f

gucci: f

kags: f

jesus?: f

mr. refreshing: f

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> tsukki didn't do anything bad to hinata, but Father Daichi is Not pleased and they got a pretty severe talking to tgrfesgdfs.


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pretty setter squad, roll out!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> key:  
> oiks = oikawa  
> gaymer = kenma  
> mr. refreshing = suga  
> kags = kageyama  
> thing 1 = atsumu  
> ogprettyboy = akaashi

_ [ oiks added gaymer, mr. refreshing, kags, thing 1, and ogprettyboy to Pretty Setter Squad ;) ] _

thing 1: pretty setter squad???

gaymer: oh god this again

ogprettyboy: it’s a thing oikawa-san designated us

ogprettyboy: bc we’re all setters and pretty

kags: i’m not. pretty but okay

gaymer: neither am i yet i’m doomed to suffer here

mr. refreshing: 1. don’t talk about yourselves like that, you’re both pretty

mr. refreshing: 2. this is all oikawa’s idea

thing 1: seems legit to me

oiks: suga-chan don’t even act like u don’t like this, ur captain told me how much u brag about being in the pretty setter squad

mr. refreshing: not the point

gaymer: still wondering why we have a chat to begin with

oiks: welllllll funny you should mention that

thing 1: uh oh

oiks: i was gonna ask about everyone’s love lives!!

gaymer: you just want to ask us about our love lives bc urs doesn’t exist

thing 1: DAMN KENMA

mr. refreshing: rgdsgfdgthrgdrhrgtd

oiks: RUDE????? you cant woo iwa-chan overnight -.-

ogprettyboy: or over a few years, apparently

thing 1: didn’t expect kenma and akaashi to be the roasters, i’ll be real

mr.refreshing: u’ll get used to it

oiks: ANYWAYS!!! hows everyone’s love lives goin

mr. refreshing: same as always, tho i kissed daichi the other day as a surprise and he almost combusted

mr. refreshing: so that was fun

oiks: nice, he deserves it! Anyone else wanna share?

kags: i'm not seeing anyone atm, didn't even give it any thought

gaymer: me n akaashi r dating

thing 1: really now? didn't expect that

ogprettyboy: bokuto-san and kuroo-san set us up on a date

mr. refreshing: bo and kuroo were tired of them third wheeling and wanted their setters to date each other*

gaymer: besides the point

thing 1: well, congrats, glad to see everyone’s gaying it up in here

oiks: and what about u?? got anyone special in ur life ;)?

thing 1: nah, more concerned about vball than dating atm

mr. refreshing: that’s understandable

oiks: boring, but makes sense

thing 1: uhhhhh thanks

gaymer: who knew that oikawa bein noisy ended with understanding about puttin ur career above dating

oiks: u know? I’m taking that as a compliment

gaymer: whatever makes u sleep better at night


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> *smash bros voice* ( almost ) everyone is here!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> key:  
> catboykuroo = kuroo  
> oiks = oikawa  
> fuckakuchi = futakuchi  
> thighchi / dadchi = daichi  
> birdbrain / birdboybo = bokuto  
> terrorshima = terushima  
> ushiwaka = ushijima  
> snek = daishou  
> mr. refreshing = suga  
> rollinthunder = noya  
> tanACK = tanaka  
> gucci = yamaguchi  
> sunshine = hintata  
> thatasshole / tsukki = tsukishima  
> kags = kageyama  
> jesus? = asahi  
> emoshita = ennoshita  
> gaymer = kenma  
> thing 1 = atsumu  
> ogprettyboy = akaashi

_ [ oiks added  _ _ gaymer, mr. refreshing, rollinthunder, tanACK, gucci, sunshine, tsukki, kags, jesus?, emoshita, ogprettyboy, and thing 1 to Cool Captains _ _ ™ ] _

_ [ oiks changed the group name to Robbie Rotten has what we want ] _

mr. refreshing: not to read past texts but daichi wants to see me in a cat headband 😏

snek: god not this again

gaymer: didn’t know daichi was that spicy

thing 1: what else you wanna see him in huh?

dadchi: i’d rather not talk about this

mr. refreshing: i wouldn’t mind, for the record, they’re cute

dadchi: I

emoshita: i can see smoke coming out of his ears from here

kags: … cat headbands?

ogprettyboy: they’re headbands with cat ears on them. some of them are fully metal, but a lot of them have fake fur on the ears

ogprettyboy: kenma and kuroo-san both have a big collection of them

jesus?: they’re also good for pulling your hair back when studying

catboykuroo: that’s what i use them for!!

birdboybo: plus they look hella cute

sunshine: :o!!!!! i want some now

tsukki: your head’s too big for them, you’d only stretch them out

snek: oh i like this kid, i like his vibes

gucci: tsukki that’s not nice

tsukki: the truth is never nice

gucci: u would look cute in a cat headband, how about That truth

rollinthunder: dude tsukki is tomato red

tanACK: hrtgdfzs i’ve never seen him have a meltdown before

fuckakuchi: didn’t know yams had it in him

jesus?: he’s the only one who can invoke any emotion besides cynicism and sarcasm out of him

gucci: in my defense it’s taken years to perfect

oiks: well this is all so charming

oiks: tho i’m surprised no one’s commented about the group name yet

thing 1: oh i saw it

fuckakuchi: everyone has, i think

snek: i wish i hadnt

catboykuroo: bo can u be the sportacus to my robbie rotten

birdboybo: dude, YES

mr. refreshing: robbie rotten really does have everything we want tbh

jesus?: i’m afraid to ask who that is

tanACK: ASAHI-SAN U HAVENT WATCHED LAZYTOWN B4?????

jesus?: can’t say i have

terrorshima: damn didnt know u were so uncultured

terrorshima: lazytown is the Shit

mr. refreshing: asahi u gotta come over later and binge watch it with me and daichi, it’s vital for this friendship

jesus?: uhhhhh okay

catboykuroo: kenma come over and watch it with me

gaymer: i would literally rather do anything but that

catboykuroo: :’(

birdboybo: wbu akaashi??????

ogprettyboy: i’m afraid i’ll have to decline

birdboybo: awwww :((( that’s okay ^^

snek: do any of you watch shows meant for ppl our age

dadchi: asahi watches animal documentaries but beyond him and me watching crime shows, the answer is no from us

ogprettyboy: i can speak for mostly everyone when i say no as well

snek: smh, y’all need to get better taste

catboykuroo: and what, watch tv dramas like you?

snek: fuck you, that’s high art

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> in honor of the ovas and episode 1 of season 4 coming out, blam!!! didn't really know how to end this off and hq gave me a massive headache but it's well worth it, I missed all my boys so much <33


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> did somebody say... nekoma time?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> key:
> 
> catboykuroo = kuroo  
> gaymer = kenma  
> yakkun = yaku  
> peacekeeper = kai  
> take or nah = taketora  
> the silence = fukunaga  
> pupperoni = inuoka  
> futureace = lev  
> sheebs = shibayama

_ [ catboykuroo added peacekeeper, yakkun, gaymer, take or nah, the silence, pupperoni, sheebs, and futureace to The Clowder ] _

yakkun: what a stupid name for a group chat

peacekeeper: aw yakkun, be nice!

yakkun: ….

yakkun: it’s sort of clever

catboykuroo: aw i’m glad you think so yakkun <3333

yakkun: i take it back

take or nah: question

the silence: answer

take or nag: wtf is a clowder

futureace: don’t you eat it

pupperoni: no that’s chowder

sheebs: a clowder is what a group of cats is called…

gaymer: what are they teaching you first years these days

futureace: not much tbh

the silence: do you pay attention in class?

futureace: duh

pupperoni: he selectively listens

catboykuroo: sounds about right, considering he barely practices what i tell him to

yakkun: now you know how i feel

futureace: hey i’m trying!!!

peacekeeper: we know lev, we’re proud of you for it

peacekeeper: kuroo and yaku might disagree but i know they feel the same, they’re like proud parents

catboykuroo: damn go ahead and just out me like that kai 

yakkun: never said i wasn’t proud of him, just that he has a lot to work on still

futureace: aw guys <33

gaymer: okay enough of this gross stuff let’s talk about smth else

take or nah: y’all know any other weird names for groups of animals?

the silence: a group of crows is called a murder

pupperoni: well that isn’t very nice

take or nah: damn that’s hardcore

take or nah: cooler than clowder

sheebs: yeah but at least you’d want to approach something if it’s called a clowder, well at least i would

futureace: yeah i wouldn’t want to interact with smth that’s got “murder” in the title

gaymer: at least you have some sense, wouldve thought youd be down for it

futureace: ????? i’m not an idiot????

gaymer: you had me fooled then

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> nekoma's actually my favorite team, you probably wouldn't have guessed it, but I love my cat boys :'3


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> iwa-chan, 3 am texts, and oikawa not catching a break

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> key:  
> catboykuroo = kuroo  
> oiks = oikawa  
> dadchi = daichi  
> birdboybo = bokuto  
> mr.refreshing = suga  
> snek = daishou  
> tsukki = tsukishima  
> muscles = iwaizumi

_[ oiks added muscles to Robbie Rotten has what we want ]_

oiks: iwa-chan i’m borrrreeeeeddddddd

muscles: what do you want me to do about it

oiks: maybe come over, u know, keep me company ;)

muscles: i’ll pass

oiks: RUDE????? Iwa-chan I thought you were my boyfriend ;_;

catboykuroo: you do know this is the group chat right

oiks: oh i know, i just wanted to add my lovely bf so u all can bask in his glory

tsukki: and he just rejected you, so i don’t think that’s working out in your favor

oiks: WOW, RUDE? why is everyone ganging up on me

oiks: i’ve done nothing wrong in my life, i don’t deserve this treatment

catboykuroo: oh yeah, bc That’s believable

muscles: shittykawa you know as well as everyone else that is the furthest thing from the truth

oiks: i honestly just came here to have a good time and i am feeling SO attacked rn

dadchi: not to ruin whatever’s going on but is there a reason this chat is going off at 3 in the morning

snek: that’s apparently when all the idiots come online

snek: the exceptions being me, iwaizumi, that blonde with glasses, and daichi ofc

dadchi: ty, i’m glad i’m one of the exceptions

tsukki: not to butt in but is no one going to comment on oikawa-san asking iwaizumi-san to come over to his house at 3 in the morning?

mr. refreshing: that’s probably the least weird request he has asked him

muscles: it isn’t

oiks: don’t

muscles: one time he literally asked me to marathon like 6 alien movies back to back

muscles: n then he cried at the end of lilo and stitch

birdboybo: ok i get that, lilo and stitch is sad af

snek: you guys are just asking to get teased for this, i hope you know

tsukki: who cries during a disney movie

snek: idiots with 0 brain cells

birdboybo: STITCH LEAVES AT THE END! OHANA MEANS FAMILY!

catboykuroo: does he leave in the end? isn’t there a sequel?

tsukki: Who Cares

mr. refreshing: not to be the party pooper but I really think you should discuss that in the morning

mr. refreshing: or at the very least in your own chat

catboykuroo: why are we cutting into your beauty sleep

dadchi: yes and you don’t want to see him sleep deprived and grumpy. it’s not fun

oiks: oh i should prob sleep too, don’t want to wake up ugly!

muscles: i think it’s a little too late for that

oiks: again, RUDE!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi friends, sorry for the radio silence! I've been trying to write an asasuga fic but it's not really working in my favor lol. but I started working on the first prompt for kurodaiweek in may so that's smth! anyways I figured I'd throw this out since I have nothing else to do rn, and I hope everyone's staying strong in these trying times <3.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> What happens when you mix fursonas, animal crossing, and teenage boys? nothing good!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> catboykuroo = kuroo  
> oiks = oikawa  
> dadchi = daichi  
> birdboybo = bokuto  
> mr.refreshing = suga  
> terrorshima = terushima  
> snek = daishou  
> sunshine = hintata  
> tsukki = tsukishima  
> jesus? = asahi  
> muscles = iwaizumi

catboykuroo: so question

oiks: answer

catboykuroo: do y’all have animal crossing and if yes give me your switch friend codes

mr. refreshing: bold request

snek: don’t invite him to ur island he’ll just put pitfalls every fucking where

dadchi: that’s seems on brand

birdboybo: he didn’t do that to me??? he just gave me a bunch of nmts so i could get all jock villagers

oiks: oh that’s so cute, iwa why don’t you do that for me ;_;

muscles: i would, but i’m buying all the godzilla statues

tsukki: i’m almost afraid to ask how many do you have

oiks: he’s got them all on his beaches and also a lane of them coming from the airport

mr. refreshing: goals tbh

terrorshima: yooooo acnh is so fun??? who’s ur faves o_o

catboykuroo: punchy for me bc he looks like me and also he’s a mood

sunshine: his name is punchy??? who is he punching???

catboykuroo: the haters

oiks: who hates punchy???? anyways mine is julian

snek: real original

oiks: what is that supposed to mean???

muscles: julian is literally just you as an animal. if you were a villager, you’d be that unicorn

birdboybo: does that make julian his fursona?

dadchi: his what

catboykuroo: NOBODY TELL HIM

jesus?: i regret looking in this chat

muscles: you and me both

mr. refreshing: basically a furry. like a fursona is you as an animal

dadchi: i regret asking

tsukki: can someone please kick me out of this chat, let me be free

snek: no, suffer with us

oiks: idk if i should be touched or offended that you guys assigned me a fursona

mr. refreshing: are we wrong?

oiks: 

oiks: i don’t have to answer that

catboykuroo: sounds like a yes to me

dadchi: so by that logic isn’t punchy kuroo’s fursona?

muscles: yes

jesus?: you guys aren’t going to figure out everyone’s fursonas now are you…?

mr. refreshing: oh yes we are. you’re next

jesus?: i really wish i wasn’t

oiks: megane-kun reminds me of raymond

catboykuroo: i hate how much that makes sense

tsukki: i hate all of you

oiks: <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello gamers, idk where this came from but yolo right! anyways my name on twit was oikawa's fursona for a while and julian's unironically my only best friend on my island as of now so maybe this was a long time coming

**Author's Note:**

> chatfics are wildly funny to me so hopefully I captured some of that! might add more chapters later on, but idk how many chapters I'll write, so lmk if y'all wanna see more!


End file.
